I realized. I remember tumblr when I’m alone with either extremely happy emotions or the polar opposite.

Today’s one of those sad days. Actually, it’s been like this for a couple days now. I read my favorite’s tumblr post and even though it hurt so much to relive those moments, I read it three times. As “emo” as this sounds, I’d rather have something to feel, even though it’s pain, associated with him, because it’s going to be a while until I see him again. I love reading/ hearing about his thoughts about how he perceived events happening. I love to know how he saw things. So this blog will be similar to his, so he knows exactly what I’m feeling.

Let’s start Thursday, May 10, 2012. I finished my presentation earlier than expected and I came running home to get back to my favorite. I was upset that we woke up so late and that we wasted precious time because I knew that we were not going to see each other for a long time. We got ready, bought cheesesteaks, and we were on the road. Before going home, we stopped by the Apple store and Starbucks to buy some half off fraps for ourselves and his sister. Why do I even bother recording things like that? I feel, in our relationship, it’s the little, mundane things that we do but we always make it so interesting that there will be at least one thing that makes it memorable. We got home, shared a cheesesteak, popped popcorn, and watched Monsters, Inc. We then had to pick up his mom at the train station and went to picked up a few things from their local market (an equivalent to a farmer’s market in my eyes, except a regular running store). See, grocery shopping, such a boring task. But I’m pretty sure as you read this, favorite, you’ll remember that funny thing that we did in the seafood section with my purse. It’s these little things that matter.

When we got home, we finished Monsters, Inc. and he brought down his suitcases. He asked me to help him back. Even though I love to help him in any way that I can, I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster up the courage to take his belongings from his room in Jersey and put it in a suitcase where he’ll be thousands of miles away from me. I didn’t want to tell him this either. I just jokingly said that I needed food in order to do so and luckily, his mom called us down for dinner. It was nice to eat with my favorite’s parents for a change. We always eat dinner at my house and he’s always with my family. I appreciate his sincerity in wanting to spend time with the people who matter most to me, but at the same time, I’m disheartened because I can’t do that for him. I’m always busy and don’t have time. Because I got the chance to have dinner with his parents, I was glad to know what it would feel like. Honestly, I didn’t want dinner to end so soon because that meant going back up to his room to pack.

We went back upstairs and started to actually put things in his first suitcase. I actually tried to see if I could fit in his suitcase, but I’m too tall. So we started packing. At one point, after I suggested that he should charge his iPad, I gave him one of those hugs from behind. At first, it was just because I felt like it. But then thoughts starting racing in my mind. This was one of the last hugs that I’d give him until he comes back. Then I started to think about how much I’m gonna miss him and how much I’m gonna miss spending time with him, and just everything about him, everything about us. He asked me to allow him to turn around so that he could hug me too but I didn’t want him to see how hurt I was. I also didn’t want to let go. I tried my best to hold on to him while I still could.

There were times that I just stared in his suitcase half filled with his things and I couldn’t believe that tomorrow was the day that was rapidly approaching. I insisted that we finished packing at midnight so that we could spend as much time as we possibly could. All I kept thinking was “if we finish packing by midnight, we have 6.5 hours to spend together”. But things don’t always go the way we plan. He got his haircut from his mom and in the meantime, I wrote notes for him. I scattered them within his belongings and had clues to lead him to the next one. He still hasn’t found the last one. But don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find it at the right time when you need it the most. He popped in and out of his room a couple of times to check up on me and I tried to play it off cool. I told him to go warm up the cheesesteaks by himself so that I could have time to put the finishing touches on my last note and hide it properly.

We watched the latest episode of Glee and ate cheesesteaks. By the time we were done, Santana sang “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. That’s when it hit me, the first couple lines of the song: “The smell of your skin lingers on me now, You’re probably on your flight back to your home town.. To be with myself and center clarity, peace, serenity” and then “I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket.. It’s time to be a big girl now, and big girls don’t cry”. I couldn’t hold it in. I always thought this song was quite annoying but it was just so applicable at the time. He cuddled me until I got it together. Then the next commercial came on and it was a commercial to the Nook or some device and showed a split second of an airport with a view of an airplane. Usually, I wouldn’t notice the airplane or think much of it, but I couldn’t help but imagine him boarding on the plane and not seeing him for six long weeks.

I didn’t want to be sad anymore. I didn’t want to cry anymore. It was unfair. I tried to be strong. If I wasn’t in his life, he would be extremely excited to see his family that he hasn’t seen for a year. I know he was really excited to see his grandfather. But he couldn’t be. He was too worried about me and not seeing me for a long time. I feel like I took away the excitement and the thrill for his trip. So I wanted us to do something fun and diverge our attention to something else. I asked him if we could play a video game because as a girl growing up with mostly girls, I didn’t play any of these boy games. It was very difficult. There’s too many controls to remember and I couldn’t do the whole 360 view thing. Regardless, it was fun. I told him just half an hour of video games and then we could do something else.

I told him I wanted to cuddle and a few minutes later, he asked me if I was sleepy and I said yes. We did our usual good night ritual and I held in my tears because I knew that I wouldn’t have that moment for a very long time. I closed my eyes and tried to savor everything about that moment — what it physically felt like, what it smelt like, the emotions that I had. I was very hesitant to sleep because in my mind, it was two less hours that we would spend with each other. But I had to get some rest because I had to drive back home by myself, after dropping me off to the airport.

I was woken up by a light, gentle kiss on the cheek. As I opened my eyes, he was there, smiling at me and all I could think of was the glow on his face and how happy it made me and all I could do was smile back. I think I fell back asleep because I couldn’t face the fact that the time was drawing near. But he woke me up again and it was time to go. There was nothing I could do about it. I had to get up. I had to get ready. I had to say bye to his parents and hear them thank me for taking their son to the airport. I had to witness them say bye to their son, the person who means the world to me. Just seeing that made it so real. That moment, I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I had to hold it in. He went to bring his two suitcases to the car and I packed my stuff. While he wasn’t there, I took one last look in his room. I stood by his bed and looked around his whole entire room. I soaked in that moment because it would be the last time in a while that I would be surrounded by him even if I was just looking at his “stuff”. I felt a tear, but I held it in. I went downstairs and put my stuff down. He came back in the house and we went back to his room. He suggested that I take his Pooh and his blanket with me. I simply nodded.

We went outside and all I could think of was “this is it. I’m not gonna see his driveway, his house, him”. We drove silently. We both knew what we were going up against. There was not much said on the way to the airport. We tried to make small talk but that alone made things feel weirder. What comforted me the most was his look, checking up on me, and him reaching over for my hand. 

We got to the airport. I took a deep breath. This was the dreaded day that I tried to prepare myself for, for months. But no matter how long prep time I had, I would never be ready. We walked into the terminal and I tried to pay attention to the path that we’re taking because I had to take it back, alone, to get back to my car. Keyword in my head was: alone. I helped him check in at the self check kiosk, lugged his suitcases to the conveyer belt and went back downstairs to find a seat to pass the time.

As we sat down, I kept telling myself to be strong. One tear fell, he quickly wiped it but there were more that followed. I turned the other way because I didn’t want him to see me like that but I couldn’t stop. I finally turned to him and I saw the pain in his eyes and I couldn’t contain my emotions. I didn’t care that other people were watching. I didn’t care. All I cared about was the last couple of minutes I had with him.

As this was going on, I saw three things. The person who was sitting behind us had flowers laid down on the table. All I thought of was that he was so lucky to be excited and anxiously waiting for the arrival of his loved one, meanwhile the opposite emotions were occurring 3 feet away from him. Then a couple more feet away from us, I saw a couple, crying. The guy was holding his girl as she cried into his shoulder. She was being discrete about it while I wasn’t. I could hear her sniffling but I could hear myself bawling. I knew exactly what they were feeling. Lastly, there was a mother with her two daughters waiting for their loved one. And as a man came through the doors, the family’s faces lit up. As expected, the husband and father greeted his family. It was so cute. There were smiles, hugs, and kisses. I was happy for them, but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel jealous. Here I am, crying my eyes out because I’m going to miss the one I love.

It was 10:05 and I insisted that we went upstairs to security. We held hands going to the elevator, on the elevator, and the walk to security. We stared at the security entrance, the line, the metal detectors. On the side, I also saw the same couple saying their goodbyes to each other. I couldn’t handle it. He then grabbed my arm and pulled me close. I hugged him as tight as I possibly could and I know that he tried to hug me as tight as he could without suffocating me. I cried in his arm and dug my face in deep that I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t care. He gently kissed my lips but in my heart, that didn’t suffice. I asked for a real kiss and even though tears ran down my face, I kissed him back to the best that I could. He tried to comfort me by saying that it won’t be too long or that he’ll be back really soon but in the back of my head, I knew that these next six weeks would suck. I had to let go and he handed the TSA agent his passport. As he waited, he turned to me and mouthed “I love you” but I didn’t have the strength to even say it back so I just smiled. I know, it’s bad. But I couldn’t even muster up the courage to say it without crying hysterically.

He unpacked his things for security and went through the metal detectors. For a split second, I thought he wasn’t going to turn back around. But I knew he was gathering his things again. I thought I lost him in the crowd for a second. My heart sank. I thought I wouldn’t get to wave bye to him. I kept thinking, “Babe, please, just one more glance. Just one more.” After he got his stuff, he looked back, gave me a half hearted smile, and waved. I waved back with a smile and tears going down my face but I didn’t wipe the tears because then he would know I was still crying. I knew he was far away that he wouldn’t see me crying. He turned around and he was gone. He blended in with the other flyers. I turned around and I walked the walk that I didn’t want to. I felt like my knees were going to give out. I just felt like breaking down. But I had to troop to my car and then if I wanted to, I could cry there. I got to my car and I didn’t. All I knew was that I was hurt.

I got home and I checked his last tweet, checking himself in at JFK. At first it read “2 hours ago” and it felt like forever. Then I checked again and it said “11 hours ago”. The following was I believe “17 hours ago”. I don’t know.. It just hurt so much that time was, what I felt, moving so slow.

So, that’s my account on things. You may think that I’m just boy crazy but I honestly feel like half of myself is missing. I don’t know what to do about it. I know I can’t do anything about it. I want to beg him to come home, to get on the next flight back, but that’s not fair. That’s about it for now.

It just hurts because I miss my best friend so much. Yes I miss my favorite, my boyfriend. But above all, I miss my best friend.